Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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