At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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