No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
