where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
