I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
