i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize