we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
