I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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