So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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