Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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