The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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