im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just gift wrapped bread.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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