Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
