I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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