but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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