you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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