a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize