a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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