I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My liver just had a heart attack.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
