this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
