I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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