Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
