What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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