don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize