I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
