I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
