She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
