I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
