Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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