apparently the secret to your success is patron
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
