In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
