Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
