True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
