I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
