You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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