We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
