So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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