when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Who died my cat blue again?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
