I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
