Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
