I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
