I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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