Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
