the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I think people are normalizing furries
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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