I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
