We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
