either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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