vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
