and she was petting her beer can
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
