i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
