cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize