just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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