i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize