She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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