My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
