I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
