We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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