I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
