I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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