Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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