just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
