4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
